Physical Appearance

Fellas!  Carolyn McCulley had a great post on December 19th entitled "Our Looks and God's Word."  It was written for single women, and is helpful in understanding how we can be praying for our sisters. 

There was a comment on her site by a viewer stating that she would love to hear a guy's response to the topic.  Below is a portion of the e-mail I sent her.  I hope it encourages you and helps direct your prayers as single men!

"I have thought about this a lot.  Is it OK that guys are so 'visual?'  I see so many of my friends who know many Godly single women, yet are holding out for the Elizabeth Elliott with the looks of Madonna.  I struggle with the same temptation.

The problem isn't the desire to be physically attracted to your wife.  The problem and sin area for men is pride.   Our culture has defined for us what beautiful is.  Hollywood has portrayed for us a variety of 'ideals', and men have been subconsciously taught that the closer to this 'ideal' that we find in a woman, the more of a man we are.  Who gets the Hollywood beauty?  The champion, the genius, the hero, and the great!  When men see a guy walking around with a Hollywood type attractive girl, they all wonder and often verbalize "how did a guy like that get a girl like that!?"  Instant respect.  Self-elevation.  And this is very common in the church as well! I don't know of any Godly man who does not struggle with these thoughts.  Men want to be respected and thought well of, and the world/Hollywood has produced for us an example of what kind of women brings honor!

Yet, we know that this is not the standard of God's Word!  Men need to first repent of our pride regarding this, and seek first God's kingdom, and God's name.  We also have to choose our spouses based on the audience of God alone.  We ought not to care at all about what other men are going to think of us.  Pride is truly our greatest enemy to marital bliss!

The other area is genuinely being attracted to the woman you marry.  Men will see a woman, and feel a physical attraction to her, and will want to have that attraction towards his future wife in a marriage.  This is not wrong.  What is wrong is letting the world wire us to what is attractive. 

We have been so engulfed in this world's definition of beauty that we do not allow God to define what beauty is!  Even physical beauty!  What men consider beautiful changes from culture to culture.  Sarah was beautiful according to that culture. 

Christian women are beautiful.  We all know that this means beautiful on the inside.  But this is also true outwardly.  All Christian women are beautiful on the outside, and God can and will direct her husband's eyes to see it and treasure it.  God has created women unique, and each one has the capability of enrapturing her husband. 

My response to all of this has been this continued prayer.  "God, you know who you have prepared for me.  She is beautiful in your sight both physically and spiritually as your Spirit dwells in her.  Help me not to be conformed to this world's definition of what is beautiful.  Prepare my heart to be intoxicated by her beauty.  May my eyes be prepared to look on her alone and see the beauty you have created."

I have been praying for several years that God would "custom wire" my eyes for my wife.  What is important is that my heart is genuinely attracted to her.  But that will be a work of grace!  No matter where she stands on the world's rating system, I want my heart and mind's affections to be directed towards her."

Comments

[Tyler Fogarty]

Solid words.

[Mickey Sheu]

This is an excellent post, I've linked it

[Stephanie]

I'm visiting your blog, after reading Caroline McCulley's post. What an encouragement you are.

Pray not only that your eyes are "custom wired" for your wife, but that she is preparing and being prepared, as well.

[Tina]

Thanks for this perspective...refreshing and encouraging.

[Jim]

Excellent post. Linked it to my site.

[Brian]

Got here from Caroline's site. Read it, Bookmarked it, linked to it, plan to be back.

It's 'odd' how these discussions have been surfacing recently in our small circle in Fairfax as well. Or maybe not so odd. "God is in the details".

[Sarah]

Hi,

I came here from Carolyn's site.
Great post!
I appreciated reading your perspective.

[Ashlee]

Thanks so much!

[MuleChewingBriars]

I know this is likely to be a minority viewpoint here, but I think ragging on guys as to what they find physically attractive is counterproductive.

The Bible appears not to complain a great deal about physical beauty, using many metaphors that praise "the bride adorned for her husband". In fact, the Bible seems to treat an attractive, well-dressed woman as a positive good.

The vast majority of men find height/weight/age-appropriate women attractive. It's just natural. Not all Christian women are beautiful, any more than all Jewish women are beautiful, or all Muslim women are beautiful. Some are more beautiful than others, and trying to be more spiritual than God is always a problem (the early Church fought it in the guise of Gnosticism, and believe me, it is alive and well today). Everything else being equal, a young man is going to prefer a young woman with symmetrical features whose weight is appropriate to her height. Shaming tactics, especially tactics that appear to have no Scriptural warrant

That's OK, though, because this distribution of physical charm obtains in men as well. Some guys look pretty good, others not so good. Guys suffer from the dating culture as well, where one athletic, well-favored young man can monopolizee the attention of the most desireable girls in a group with innuendos and half-promises while the rest of the brothers look on impotently.

Weight is increasingly a problem for both sexes in our society. This being the case, you are all welcome to join me in the Orthodox Church, where we keep the ancient fasts 1/3 of the year. :)

[Dan, The Roof Guy]

Thanks so much for your comment. I especially appreceate the encouragement to not be "more spiritual than God." I agree that that a form of gnosticism is a very common problem today, and I have found it to creep into my heart at times, and it is nothing more than self-righteousness.

I also realize that scripture does mention women to be "more beautiful" than others at times. I.e. Job's daughters "And in all the land there were no women so beautiful as Job's daughters." Job 42:15, Abraham said to Sarai that "I know you are a woman beautiful in appearance." Genesis 12:11, and Esther had a "beautiful figure, and was lovely to look at." It seems to me that in Job's daughters, that the beauty of his daughters was part of the blessing that God was returning to him after all the trials. As far as Sarai and Esther, I am not aware of it ever mentioned as a sign of God's favor (all though they were both under God's favor), but it certainly is not thought evil of, and God used it to accomplish his purposes. With regards to men, Daniel was considered and chosen because of his appearance.

However, merely physical beauty is never praised or exhorted by scripture to be pursued after. I am not saying that it is to be avoided, or that it is wrong to be attracted to someone who most of society would be attracted to. I would say that scripture does exhort men to not overly emphasize the lesser beauty of physical beauty, but to pursue the deeper, richer, beauty that God finds to be imperishable. Of the woman in Proverbs 31, it is said in verse 10 "An excellant wife, who can fin? She is more precious than jewels." Yet all it says about how she is dressed is that "strength and dignity are her clothing." Her husband delights in her and is ravished in her love, and says "many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Than the writer of Proverbs says that "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Of the adulterous woman it is said, "Do not desire her beauty in your heart,and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes;" (Proverbs 6:25). " In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him." 2 Samual 14:25, while Isaiah prophasied of our savior that "he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him." Isaiah 53:2. Scripture is not saying that the beauty of the Adulterous woman, or Absalum's beauty was the problem, but it does show how fools can be consumed with the outward appearance.
1 Timothy 2: 9 exhorts that women "should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold and pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness-- with good works." and Peter 3:3 instructs women; "do not let your adorning be external-- the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
I think we can agree that God is not telling women to literally take off the gold and pearls, but that to make their true adorning self-control, modesty, gentle and quiet spirit.
The purpose of my articles was certainly not to "shame men" into anything! This is not about denying natural sex drives, or about marrying a women you don't find attractive. I do think that hollywood and our culture has warped for men the definition of what is truly attractive by overplaying certain physical aspects. This is about seeking to see beauty perhaps in ways you hadn't seen before. That's it!
I haven't completely thought this through, but I definitly would challenge the idea that there is an objective weight/height ratio that is naturally attractive to men. While health is always to be desired, and self-control care for ones body is a very attractive trait, how that plays out for each person may defer. I know men who are only attracted to extremely thin women, while other men are looking for something quite different.
I do believe that culture can and often does define for us what is attractive. An example would be that in Victorian days, most women found men with broad shoulders to be unattractive. Instead, they prefered smaller, sloping shoulders and large calf muscles. Why? It indicated that the man didn't work for a living, and was therefore independantly wealthy, and that he spend much of his time dancing, thus the large calves.

[angelita]

Thank you for this post. It is very encouraging to see guys that have a biblical perspective on beauty.

[Don Montz]

My name is Don Montz and I dissagree with your view on a woman's physical beauty. physical beauty is physical beauty. I don't believe that God has a different definition of what physical beauty than we do. We are visual because God made us that way. Physical beauty is whatever that particular man finds attractive. If he likes big women, then he will find big women attractive. If he likes curvy women, then that is what will appeal to him. God doesn't have to dictate to us what is physically attractive. He has given that job to mother nature and our own eyes. A man is not designed to love a woman soley for the innner beauty. There is supposed to be a combination of beauty on both the inside and outside. God designed us to see the outward beauty first. A man has to grow to love the inward beauty. He will not see that right away.

[Bindu]

Hey this is so nice...I really appreciate this...It's so nice that a guy thinks this way

[Beth]

Thank you! That's all I can think of to say. As a single Christian female it can be overwhelming trying to live up to the standards of what I feel like a man is looking for. Your post was really freeing in many ways, and I'm grateful to hear it from someone besides my mother.