The rest of the story...

I uploaded some pictures in the new album on the right. 

Here is a quote from Hudson Taylor as his wife lay dying,

"I scarcely know whether she or I was the more blessed, so real, so satisying was HIs presence, so deep my delight  in the consciousness that His will was being done, and that that will, which was utterly crushing me, was good and wise and best."

Mom continues the story in her journal...

"We prayed with the doctor, putting Joel into God's loving care, moved to a waiting area in the cardiology wing of the hospital. The doctor had guessed a four hour surgery, all depending on what they found when they began, and it was more than six. Family and friends started coming in. Over twenty people in all, I believe. What support. One friend, Elliott, spent hours on his cellphone trying to track down my children that were away. They could be forewarned before they got the last news, as were the little children. We simply told them that it was much more serious than a collapsed lung and they needed to pray.

And then the doctor came and gave me the news. Someone said that both he and his assistant were shaking. I was dumbfounded. I took him around the corner to get away from all that was going on behind me and said, "I'm sorry, but I need you to tell me again." And patiently and ever so gently he repeated himself. On one hand I did need to hear it again, but also I didn't want that man to leave. He was the last one to see, to touch my husband, and I needed him to be there for a few moments.

After that, I remember kneeling by a chair, friends surrounding me, caressing me, praying for me- truly the love of God in action. I remember everyone giving me words of comfort, but mostly I remember my pastor, "We're going to be with you all the way." What a comfort those words were and continue to be, for it's the "all the way" part that still rears its ugly head and brings fresh fears.

We were able to see his body in the hospital. That was good because it so clearly wasn't Joel. I snuck his hand out from under the sheets. I kissed his brow, his nose, his lips. The body I had loved for years, but certainly not the man. The joy at thinking of Joel with the Lord is enough to make me cartwheels, if I could. The sorrow at losing him seems enough sometimes to put me under. But through it all God has been so good, He has been faithful, He has been true, He has been loving.

"When I remember Thee on my bed, I meditate on Thee in the night watches, for Thou hast been my help, and in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to Thee; Thy right hand upholds me" Psalm 63:6-8

At the funeral only half of what I talked of was Joel's "death story". The other half which I so wanted to focus on was the goodness of God in preparing us for this time. Our greatest desire was that God would be glorified there, His name lifted up and truly exalted.

I have few clear memories of my childhood, but one that has come back to me was my desire as a little girl to have ten children. Joel and I were hoping for 12 or 13, but God knew even then the number He would bless us with and has truly given me "the desire of my heart." The child, due in March, has been such a blessing and comfort. Not much more than an hour after Joel died I felt this little one move inside of me for the first time. God is so good.

Joel and I were married and in our early years his walk with the Lord was so much stronger than mine. I can remember sitting in bed next to him at night reading my Good Housekeeping while he would read his Bible. Several times I'd walk into our bedroom and find him prostrate before God in prayer. God called me ever deeper and deeper into Him as I watched my husband. He gradually allowed my faith to grow. Joel's favorite verse was Jeremiah 29:11-13. It hung above our bed for years. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Than you will call upon me and go and pray to me and I will answer you. And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart." How good of God to give me all those years to meditate on that Scripture.

Fifteen years ago when Joel started his job at the Emergency Room in Rockville, he felt that the Lord strongly impressed on his heart that he would be there for 15 years. He talked of that often through the years. It was a difficult job, in terms of stress, and Joel greatly anticipated what God would have for him next. Little did we know, though the Lord knew full well, what was in store for him.

Eight years ago I had a miscarriage. It was a difficult time but I knew that God was doing a work in my heart. Still, an unanswered question always lingered. I never felt like I had fully grasped the reasons for that loss. At the viewing a dear friend reminded me of just who was in heaven to greet his daddy when he was welcomed home. What continued blessing for Joel, what joy for me.

The next years, (following the miscarriage), seemed to be filled with gruesome accidents for our children. Two resulted in hospital stays for many days. I knew that God was growing us up, moving us toward Him, increasing our faith. I was always puzzled by the gruesomeness of the accidents, though. Why, Lord? Not in bitterness or in anger, just why? I see these times as preparation as well. For there is something so terrible in the way Joel died, but none of it seemed foreign to me. I'd been there often, wondering if life would slip away from one of my children, knowing that God had something good, even through this.

The greatest preparation of all for Joel's death was his life. I overheard my daughter, Jennifer, telling a friend that her Dad's life message was centered on the sovereignty of God. That's very true. His very words and actions have prepared us for this time. Never once have I asked why. Not that asking why is wrong but there's been no need for me to ask why. I know why- God has a plan and He will bring it to pass. There is such joy and anticipation in the unfolding of that plan and Joel's life and death, in this case, are central to it. Do not fear for me that I'm not grieving properly. He, in His plan, is "crushing me" but even in that I praise Him for I know and feel that it is to His breast that I am being crushed. God is good.

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him. O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, You will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; When he hears it, He will answer you. Alhough the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your teacher. And your ears will hear a word behind you, 'this is the way, walk in it,' Whenever you turn to the right or to the left." Isaiah 30:18-21

Comments

[Tina]

"The greatest preparation of all for Joel's death was his life...His very words and actions have prepared us for this time."

What a testimony to the perfect work of God in a surrendered and humble heart!

And what a comfort and testimony it must be to you and your brothers and sisters...and indeed all those connected to your family...to know that your Mom can say "God has a plan and He will bring it ot pass. There is such joy and anticipation in the unfolding of that plan ... He, in His plan, is "crushing me" but even in that I praise Him for I know and feel that it is to His breast that I am being crushed. God is good."